closed

[articletwelve]

who. wash and york [cr aus]
what. wash comes clean about his feelings. yes, those feelings.
where. their apartment.
when. backdated to 5/22.
warnings. wash being dumb. and feelings.

Wash still isn't sure when it happened. Maybe it wasn't even one particular moment. Maybe it was just the kind of thing that builds up naturally when you spend a year of your life with someone -- a weird year, a year that's taken you from one universe to another and home in between. And sure, he'd spent a lot of that year trying to untangle memory from reality, tear the thoughts of the Yorks he'd known from the one who'd stayed, until they weren't friends because they already had been, but because they'd had to build it up from the very start.

Maybe it was just inevitable. Maybe it just makes sense, considering where she comes from. The Wash of her universe had loved her, after all, and for all the alternates he's met of himself and the people he knows, Wash knows that there are similarities in all of them. Maybe his taste wasn't all that different across universes. Because she is everything he likes, beautiful and witty and brave and more than able to toss all his bullshit right back at him without blinking an eye, and she's so, so much more.

York's his best friend.

Which is why it's so hard to face this. To stop pushing all of these emotions back and acknowledge what he does feel for her. Because she's helped hold him together for the past year, and he can't imagine how he could have withstood it without her. He can't lose her. He can't.

But he can't keep this from her. It doesn't matter how good of a liar he is. He can't face her every day when they flop on the couch and watch dumb movies and pretend he doesn't feel this way. He can't do it. Not after everything they've been through.

York's been out most of the day. Enough time for Wash to convince himself about three times over that this was the worst idea, ever, of all time, and that he was going to do it anyway. Enough time for him to annoy the cat with his pacing. Enough time that even everything he'd tried to do to convince himself to give it up hadn't worked. He'd picked today because of what it meant, because of how long it had been, and if he doesn't do it today, he doesn't know if he's going to work up the nerve again.

Wash thanks whatever cosmic powers are out there that he's in his room when she gets home. Gives him enough time to collect himself, straighten his clothes. Try and look presentable.

God, if nothing else, he hopes they can still be friends.

He meets her out in the kitchen with a smile he hopes isn't too forced.

"Hey. Welcome back."

Comments

[neverknocks]

Man, the tone of his voice doesn't make it any easier to respond, either. York's not sure how this is supposed to go anymore. She's not sure what this is, if it's not some kind of pity move. She lets out an agitated noise, raking her hands back through her hair again, still looking uneasy.

"Shit, I don't know," she says, looking at Wash, and her expression is helpless, at a loss. It looks out of place on her face. "I don't know, okay? The way things've been goin' for me these days, I don't know what I'm supposed to think. Jesus, man, it's just -- don't look at me like that, all right?"

[articletwelve]

Wash bites his lip. Tries to dial his tone back a little, but the shock still wears at his expression, and the hurt bleeds through despite himself. For all the time he's spent trying to keep his emotions at bay, he feels too raw now to keep from laying them all on the table. "I just-- why would you ever think that?" he says finally, desperate to figure out what's going on in her head. "I wouldn't have-- I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't--"

[neverknocks]

Man, is she off the mark. Even if he hadn't managed to say anything, it'd be obvious just from his face. York lets out a noise of frustration, rubbing her hand over the back of her neck. This one is definitely not anywhere in her playbook, that's for sure.

"I'm sorry, okay?" She means it, too. She looks at him, apologetic grimace and all, almost guilty-looking. For fuck's sake, this is the sort of thing she's supposed to be able to handle gracefully, or at least glibly. "I just -- I wasn't expecting to hear that from you. You caught me off guard, okay? And the way the last year's been -- " She breaks off, fingers still rubbing at the back of her neck over and over again, tracing over the empty chip slot, and the look she gives Wash now is nothing short of sincere, almost desperately so. It's not a look that crosses her face often. "It's just -- you know I know you're not him, right? I don't see him when I look at you. You're a whole different person to me. You've gotta know that, okay?"

[articletwelve]

He can tell this is hard on her, and he understand it, he does, but it doesn't make it any easier to take that look. This is just difficult. But it's out there now. No taking it back.

And this, at least, he's been expecting. "Course I know that," he says, his voice rough. He's... wondered, now and then, he can't lie about that, but the way she looks at him-- it's not the way it was when they first met. When she was seeing a ghost in his eyes. "I've known it for months. We're-- different. Both of us." Wash swallows. Tries to get past the lump in his throat. "Doesn't-- it doesn't change how I feel."

[neverknocks]

York knows that look. It's not just because it's Wash. She's seen it on other men's faces before. Old boyfriends. Her dad, when she'd caught him looking at her mom like that once in a while. And yeah, on David's face, too. But she knows this isn't her David, and...he's long since stopped seeing Sean when he looks at her, she knows that much.

York feels her chest tighten, hairs raising on the back of her neck. It's nerves, just nerves, like she hasn't had for a long time. She doesn't even try to swallow, balling one fist tightly, rubbing her thumb over whitened knuckles. She tries to smile, but it comes out mangled and small. "Y'know, when we first met, you were wigged out just by my existing," she says, trying to play it off, trying to lighten the mood, but nobody would be fooled. Wash has her attention, that's for sure. All of her attempts to seem casual just fall through. She tries to laugh, but it just comes out as a nervous breath. "So -- what changed, huh?"

[articletwelve]

There's nothing he can really say to deny that, but they've known each other so long now that he can't see them as anything but completely separate people. "Well-- shit, York." Wash looks like he doesn't know what to say, only he does, there's so much he can say, it's just that he's missing the words to express it-- and when he does open his mouth he can't stop. "I mean, you're-- you. You've got my back and you look out for me and you're smart and gorgeous and funny and you give back all the shit I give you. You're just-- you're everything I ever wanted."

He pauses to take a breath, steady himself. "And-- I trust you. More than anything."

[neverknocks]

York expects to feel relieved, and she does, to a degree, but she also feels the prickle of heat creeping into her face, the dryness of her mouth and the tightness in her chest as she waits to breathe until he's finished talking and when he says the word gorgeous her fingers smooth over the edges of the burned skin on her left cheek, an old habit renewed.

"Hey -- hey, I know. You know the same goes for you, right?" Maybe they haven't ever said as much, but York feels like she's known that for awhile. Ever since that talk back on Asphodel, when they'd finally decided to really trust one another, it's only steadily grown. And ever since they came to Omega -- well, they really haven't had anyone else to rely on but each other.

But the rest of it -- she doesn't even know what to say to it, for once. She feels like she's still reeling a little, somehow, and she lets out a hoarse, self-deprecating laugh, pressing the heel of her hand into her forehead. "Man, I am such an asshole."

[articletwelve]

Despite himself, Wash finds himself smiling. Somehow, he feels like the unbearable tension is starting to break -- that even though this is all still difficult, they'll get through it. Just like they've gotten through everything else.

"Yeah, but so am I," Wash says. He takes a step forward, shifting to lean against the opposite counter. "You know that better than anybody. And you put up with me anyway." He shrugs, and his smile gets a little sheepish. "Is it that surprising I like you?"

[neverknocks]

She can't say that it's not a relief, the way Wash reacts to it. That he takes it in stride, tries to keep them level despite her knee jerk response. York manages a half-smile, still subdued and self-depreciating, finally loosening her grip on the edge of the counter. She flexes her fingers absent-mindedly.

"Yes and no," she admits, smoothing her hands over the front of her jeans. "I mean -- I can see it, you know? 'Course I do. I just...wasn't expecting it from you. It just seemed -- I dunno, I guess I just assumed you weren't really interested, not like that. Goes to show you what I know." She rakes a hand back through her hair, letting out a breath. She looks at him, her smile sheepish and almost nervous, as much as she ever looks nervous. "So, what -- you wanna take me out on a date, is that what you're sayin'?"

[articletwelve]

"Yeah," Wash says, almost before he realizes he has. There's a faint pink dusting on his cheeks, but now that the words are out and said it's like the weight that's been pinning him down all these weeks has lifted. Like he can breathe again. And even though he's still nervous as fuck, he knows what he wants. He can face it, too.

"If you want to. I mean, this. I want to try. Just-- whatever happens, I don't want to lose you, okay?" He has to try harder to hold the smile, but Wash reaches out to touch her shoulder, gentle. "You're still my best friend. If you don't-- I understand. But I care about you, and I wanna try." His lips quirk back up again, hopeful, but unsure. "Okay?"

[neverknocks]

York makes a face when he touches her shoulder, like she's smiling to cover up a cringe, or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, it's just nerves, and hers are a little frayed just from the sheer charge of this conversation. The tension melts from her shoulders with a breath, though, because more than anything, she's relieved. This could've been so much worse. She manages a smile, a real one.

"I'm not so easy to lose, you know. This is my apartment." She drops her gaze if only because she can't handle that sincere look on his face for more than a minute at a time, reaching for her water. She rubs her thumb along the edge of the glass. Her smile widens by just a touch. "I guess I wouldn't say no to a date."

[articletwelve]

"Hey, it's mine too," Wash says. The tension's really breaking, now, and the smile he gives her has a lot more sureness behind it. He squeezes her shoulder and then drops his hand, not wanting to crowd her.

"You guess, huh?" he asks, tipping his head at her. "That's-- good. Okay. Whatever you wanna do. We can go out. Or stay in. Or-- anything. I just-- you know." He chuckles, still smiling, but there's a twinge of nervous excitement running through him. "Doesn't matter. I just wanna be with you."

[neverknocks]

Not that she'd ever say it out loud, but he's got this boyish glow to him that she's never seen on him before. It reminds her of David, the David from her world -- but for the first time, that thought doesn't make her chest hurt so much. She returns the slightly nervous laugh, combing her fingers through her hair.

"Hey, you're the one who asked. You have to pick the date." She gives him a lopsided smile, still looking like she's a little nervewracked while relief still settles in, slow and steady. She doesn't have a hard time believing he's sincere. Maybe that's what makes it that much more difficult to navigate. It's not like she's looking to crush any hearts, here. She shifts her weight, resting her hip against the counter. "So..." She lets the word hang there, the what now? following only silently.

[articletwelve]

"Okay, okay, I'll pick. Just-- y'know, tell me if you want something else."

He's been just as afraid to voice the what now, the affirmation that this really happened, that there's something that's supposed to come next. That they've both acknowledged this, that they're going to move forward from it. They can't pretend this didn't happen. They can't turn back and erase it.

But this has gone okay so far. Maybe that means it'll stay that way.

He reaches for her other hand, curling his fingers around the side of hers, encouraging her to take his hand in return. "So," he says, "are we okay?"

[neverknocks]

There's definitely no turning back now. This isn't the kind of bell you can unring. Sure, if things don't work out they'd still be friends, she's sure. But it'd never be quite the same again.

"'Course we're okay," she says, her eyes dropping to his hand. He's got different hands from David, in a way. His are a little more weathered, and the way he touches her is different. She closes her fingers over his hand. "You think I'd say yes to a date with you if we weren't okay?"